Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
