sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
