Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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