I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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