We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
