If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
