I just pynch a tree in the face
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
