shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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