Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
