what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
