the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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