***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
