I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I have fence marks all over my body
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
