My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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