I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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