So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
