Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
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