You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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