Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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