genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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