i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize