So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I met the friendliest cop last night
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize