I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
