genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
