Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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