This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
