You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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