i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
