how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
