i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
