stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
