"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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