The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
