I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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