I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
