Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize