Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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