I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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