I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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