No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
