What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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