I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
