i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
