woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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