I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
