he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you will always have a special place in my vag
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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