went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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