My nipple is on Facebook.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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