so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
