I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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