the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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