My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
