bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
